You Stupid

"I ran like the wind

Hid like a mouse"

IN THE TRAIN

It is to the extend I got off the train I was in just to take another train after it.

Since time permits, why not?

I bumped into someone that took me quite sometime to recognise.

When I saw him, it hit me,

"He is very familiar. Wait.. Too familiar.."

I gave a thought and I remembered

It's my ex's dad.

He has looks exactly as his.

A perfect replica.

I immediately turned away and tried to look for vacancies for me to elope.

He was asleep by the way and I was on the phone with my twin brother.

I figured,

"I must not be seen. I MUST not be seen."

If you readers think that I felt guilty, you're very wrong.

I do not like the idea of having some people to know about my well-being now.

Especially his family or any of my former friends.

No kidding.

I turned away and I got off at Cck and waited for another train.

Frankly, I told brother,

"I should greet him.. I really should greet him. It's basic respect. But he's asleep."

Bro said,

"He's asleep, so better not wake him up."

I didn't know such encounter can make a difference.

Emotions went into a surreal stir.

I cannot describe in words.

I felt better when bro accompanied me throughout till' he was convinced that I'm fine.

Not that I haven't move on.

I have, in a very rapid speed, a second is not wasted.

Think about it.

Hope his dad is well.

I meant his health, by the way.

-----------------

I got accepted into Ngee Ann Poly.

Business Practice.

I was delighted to get the news, though I actually don't hope on it anymore after a week of submission.

After the phone call, I got into a state people call it, depressed.

It's all the money. (Bestfriend and I sang Jessie J's song right after I said that, at the same time. hahahaha!)

I am paying everything on my own.

Every single cent of it.

I am supporting myself plus my family,

the remaining mother, older brother, twin brother and younger sister.

All on me.

I've been slogging and am looking for a part-time job to top up whatever I have.

Plus running the business as well.

Tired?

I've been unwell since day one.

It's okay for me, though.

Allah will take care of me.

He always do. :)

"3 years for your second diploma, 2 years for degree. By then you're 27 and when are you getting married?"

Let's just say, that's totally out of topic.

I don't even have time for my family and friends.

What more going out on a date?!

hahaha!

Ok bye

Labels: Someone who's wife who I used to refer to as Mama

Gonna find a part-time job so his debts can be cleared soon.

Wish me luck!

Ok bye

Wikipedia is basically not a reliable source to be presented as facts.
Usually.

I learnt about something I have been speculating about for years.
From a book I've been reading.
Basically Sidney Sheldon got talent for writing about homicidal maniacs and all that murders that came about from an evil genius.

Split personality/Personality Disorder
Is what I am going to talk about.

Years back...
There was once a time that my friend told me that I have it, which I denied fully.
I believe that I don't.
It came about in years and I remember what happened before.
Those lost of memory and stuffs? Nope.. Not that.

The alter(s) that exist within the host is not exactly known or controllable.
Usually, the host do not know of the alter(s).

For my case, I would never be able to answer a particular question,
"Who is narakitara?"
I have no idea how to answer that.

People thinks I'm crazy by saying this.
Saying stuffs such as I have to officially be diagnosed by a doctor to be sure.
You people rely on doctors so much, aye?
Tell me, what help did they provide me with pertaining to my head?
I tell you people now, NONE.
Wait till things get really bad, then they will be able to detect it.
Those are doctors.

Back to topic.
I cannot be sure myself but I do get similar comments about this matter.

The part when you're cured is when you already know the alter(s) and you're able to control it.
That is when the dialogue,
"I used to have it."
Doesn't work anymore.
Because from there, they will start to ask for proof and evidences, demonstrations and many other things they can think of, just for you to convince them.
Convince them aye? You're sure about that?

What these people do not know of is, people with more than a personality is considered to be much knowledgeable compared to the normal people.

Have you ever have the difficulty to describe your personality?
The fact that you're depending on others to judge you instead of you judging yourself.
But what if the judgements they gave you are not accepted?
You think they are wrong.
Yet, you have no idea how you're like.

This is why I hate filling up the 'About Me' section of everything!

I simply have no idea what my attitude is like.
If I were to see my previous books and blogs or diaries, I would say, I was pretty much that loner.
Always describing life as miserable and I have no happiness in life.
Whereby everyone desert me and I am always alone in the room, talking to myself.

I simply realize that I am a person who gets amused easily.
Who don't take things too hard unless betrayed or lied to.
Simply, I am not that talkative..
I prefer to keep quiet and do art or read a book.
Invent new things and dance.
Sing with so much glee, I make friends with anybody I want to.
I can talk to strangers with so much happiness that they think, I don't have problems.

Yet, I mentioned in the previous years that my life consists of no happiness.

I used to talk to myself.
People think I am crazy and its just because I was a loner.

Not exactly. I have friends.
Alot of them.

I may not want to elaborate further from where I am now in this blog.
Just a simple key word to you readers.
"Respect"

These alter(s) were born out of something the host chose to block.
Any emotional pain or things that go along with it.
When reminded, they attack. Not the host, but the alter(s).

I understand where mine came from.
Paranoia and embarrassment.
Family has been hitting me when I was growing up. Till now.
I managed to get back up every now and then.
Hitting not in a sense of minor ones.
Its severe canning with different kind of tools.
I shouldn't be exposing this but this is how I was and am treated.

That fear always live inside me.
Always not liked or loved by my mother like how the others do.
I am always left alone at home and though if I am outside with them, she don't seem happy to have me by her side.

I never hated my mom. Never hated my family.
But because this fear has been building over the years, since I was, I am not sure when, this came.

There's a reason why at such a young age, I don't fear of being alone.
Because I know, I have a friend with me to talk to without anyone else overhearing it.

Kudos.

This post is mainly about the people that I actually missed dearly..

The 3 warriors.

I know I know..

Call it a lame name but we had that name for ages!

Majidz Clan is huge.

And I really mean huge. (refer to first photo. It's not even half of the clan)

To the extend that when conflicts occur, expect a war.

Ready? Set.. Charge!

Nope, we don't favor talking behind each other's backs and act nicely in front of the person after that. (hypocrites!)

We do talk behind each other's backs but after that, we will confront each other.

Unsightly but HEALTHIER. (Mark my words)

Those are the only photos I managed to find with the 3 of us in a photo.

Sadly..

Oh well

I love my nails.

OK! OUT OF TOPIC!

I am trying to update this blog everyday though time doesn't permit.

It's actually for the sake of my fading memory.

Yup.. It's bad now..

Yes, DONT sympathize me!

I want to be treated normally and NOT specially.

Its awkward.

"When the past haunts you, you remembered the feelings you felt then."

Tell me about it.

I just had that attack just now.

Yeah, just now..

I was browsing through photos of the Majidz Clan and I saw a particular photo and a thought came rushing into my mind,

"Just look at this. Look at us. Look at how much I trusted you."

After that, another thought came,

"You suck. I have a better life now. I am not at fault, you are."

Talking about ego Sam!

I have ego.

Big one at it too.

I cannot stand down.

I will not tolerate being at the bottom with regards with my rights.

Seriously. I won't give in.

Sometimes these kinda ego actually are the ones that helps you alot.

Think about it.

It makes you feel good about yourself. Then, you're able to bring yourself up.

Higher and higher and the sky's the limit.

My limit is the universe. Which is infinite with no limits.

Go figure.

It's for your own use. Don't use it against others.

If you use your ego against me,

I will prove to you that you're very wrong then, you're gonna get depression.

Yup.. PROVE to you.

Met up with my mentor just now.

She listened to what I have to say.

Her first comment was,

"Wait. What happened to you?"

"What's up?"

"Your eyes. It shows so much you're not well. They're very red."

"I know. :)"

"Rest more please.."

"You know I'm unable to"

And bla bla bla..

Though it was only a few months since I've known her.

She knows I am not the type to stand down.

If I need to fight, I will fight to the death.

She knows that.

Hafizz gave me the news that he's leaving for Australia in July.

Fasting month or not, not confirmed yet.

Means, after he ORD, he fly off.

I gotta admit I felt the pinch when he said,

"You won't be able to see me after July. For a year."

Oh!

Being thick skinned

I told him to miss me.

hehehe

He said he will but as usual, I wasn't convinced.

Then he said,

"Then why would I take time to meet and lend my ears late in the night when I can sleep or play com but go out with u to try make u happy?"

I'm convinced..

NOT.

But that's very sweet. (talking about flirtatious Sam..)

You see,

Scorpios are known to have sharp tongues.

It will go right through you, damaging any cell it touches. (What a description. -_-)

It can convince anyone it wants to.

Apparently, he is a Scorpio.

Just like me. Only that, I'm a much more tail than him.

Which just means one thing.

I'm a tad more cunning. (LOL?)

Well, I don't trust anyone.

I am just glad that he took the effort to say that.

Smart.

I wish him all the best in University.

I know I am going to miss him alot.

By then, there will be no one who will be able to hijack their schedules just to meet me.

He knows I bottle up my feelings nowadays.

All of the stress are all bottled up.

Though I won't talk about it, his company was good enough.

Thank you for waking me up from that daze I had.

Thank you for the head massage. Sorry that I used to think that it's worthless but it actually helps alot.

Thank you for planting alot of general knowledge about people and teach me how to be on guard all the time.

"You'll never know if there is someone out there who's capable to psycho you."

Awi is having fever.

That's why he forgot to wake me up today.

But I am a lucky person to have a bestfriend, Reeeed(Rid), who calls me a million times to make sure I woke up.

Who would wake up whenever I called and entertain me.

Who appeared in front of my workplace just to fetch me.

Who came all the way from Tampines to Bukit Batok just to see me. Which he needs to go to

Bugis after that.

Who keeps checking up on me when I'm unwell.

Awi is in camp..

He's worried about me.

He's been trying to reach me but he just couldn't.

Because camp is draining him dry.

Yet, he's another Scorpion.

Sharp tongued but very loving.

"Iye nek! Kesian kau Na.. You're still young.. Pls take care of yourself."

He always call whenever he has the time.

Once I miss the call, gotta wait for 2 days for it to come again.

So no matter what I'm doing, I will answer his calls. Even if the talk is only for awhile.

He's my family..

I miss working with Rin.

Seriously.. I miss talking nonsense to her and see her cursing at me.

hahahaha!

She will text me everytime she went over to her mother in law's house.

Because she wanna meet me to have a chat.

Knowing that Im always busy, she try her luck by telling me all the time. (report strength)

Up till now, I'm still unable to meet her.

I'm under this time bomb whereby if I don't abide by it, it will explode.

I will be in pieces.

She was the most excited when I said I wanna chop off my long tresses.

For the benefit of health, she said.

"If I were you, I'd be happy if that happens (about momma finding me someone to marry). You would be living life your way. But knowing you, you still have unfinished goals."

Far from me.. The furthest. But she still knows about my life. Without me telling.

Pop! goes the weasel.

Here comes the always busy twinny.

Just like me.

Still, she warned me not to forget her in future.

I'll be crazy if I do!

Miss this annoying woman of mine.

I wonder how she's doing. :"(

With these friends around me, there's no wonder how the past can still haunt me but it cannot kill me anymore.

Dear past, I've transformed you into a textbook and you're harmless. If you happen to become harmful, Imma mutate you into a hamster and make you run on the wheel all day.

That's cruel.

Too much of reading books and histories.

My imagination has been, well, different.

My nails are beautiful.

I am full of emotions and complexity.

You suck.

Oops? ^^

Ok bye.

Labels: I got you on my radar

I tweeted this a few days back..
I think.

"I've stopped dancing, painting, designing, playing soccer, blogging, vlogging, playing with my guitar. My life is so happening!"

I lost track of time actually.
Unless I check my twitter, I don't know when I made that post.
Sadly.

Oh well, hi!
I happened to chance upon this blog just now and voila!
I suddenly remembered I have a blog!
Meraviglioso!

It's Friday and it's something I should be excited about right?
It's Friday and I have a business meeting to rush to after work!
As usual!
Yay!
-_-

That's what I've been doing.
Rushing here and there.
It has been this way since December actually.
But I managed to make time to at least blog a little.

As the days go by, I got busier to the extend I forgot I even have a blog.
I visited it today and realized that I updated it a month ago, latest.

And then it struck me like lightning! (lame, so just shut up and go with the flow)
How busy I actually am.

I am always busy and I haven't be able to meet my friends for a chat, even.
And when I will be meeting one of them, another two will contact me to meet up as well.
So since I am so busy and I cannot lose the opportunity, I squeeze everyone with such little time.
And I will be rushing from one place to another.
I haven't had a casual walk for months. Miss that.
I haven't been speaking korean. Miss that too.
My legs are always speedy.
Even when they're in pain, I still force for it to walk faster.
Don't symphatize with me.
I hate that the most.
I am not WEAK!
^^

Well, for the win
In the siblings, I am officially the bread winner now.
Tiring.
Carrying this heavy load on my shoulders everywhere I go.
Business here and there just to get money to support the family.
Ain't easy.
I fall sick a few times a month.
But that doesn't stop me at all.

If you wanna say that I've changed.
Lets just say, I have.
This time, drastically.

A book a day keep the remnants away.

Go figure.

By the way, memory has been fading.
This time, faster than before.
Worries me but I cannot let it stop me.
I have to push myself.
Even if it means pushing myself to my limits.
For the sake to achieve my dream.
To retire my parents and get them out of this bloody rat-race.

Because we Singaporeans have to slog for a living.

I thought before about this
That I am better off alone.
Anyway, I am sure as hell I am independant.
I can face the world on my own.

Not because of heartbroken or whatever.
That's just bullshit.

It is in terms that I know that not many will be able to tolerate my habits.
NOT the obvious ones
BUT the oblivious ones that actually, only my siblings know of.
My relatives and friends or anyone out of the family, don't even have a clue about.

So...
I am actually LAZY to go over the process of having someone who have no clue about it, to have a clue about it.
You get what I mean?

Enough of the rant for now then.
I'll get back on track soon.
SOON!

Im not the type to sit still right?
I cannot stand doing something similar over and over again everyday.
Which is not related to any of my interest of course.

Ok bye.
By the way, I haven't been home early these days.
:)
My exhaustion is starting to control me now.
Like a robot. (Lame. So shut up and just go with the flow.)