I guess I need to post something here.

3 years ago, I got myself into a very tight vine.
Relationship problems.
3rd party.

Basically I was unwell.
Gravely ill with the infection and all. I went to the hospital in and out a lot of times.
Mom's pocket has a big hole right after mine.
During that transition, he (ex boyfriend) wasn't there with me for treatments and all.
I suspected he had someone else or was at least having hallucinations with another.

Oh so, a day after I was discharged, we broke up.
We came to an agreement since he confessed and I lost trust in him.
He lost his feelings for me.
We cried it all out on that point of time, in public, literally not caring anyone watching.

Reminiscing what happened that time, I can cry again.
I remembered so much how much hurt I carried that time.
I can totally feel my heart being torn and torn over and over again.
I cannot fathom the thought that I was ill and he went out to meet and contact this particular girl.

So this girl actually deleted me off Facebook before I started to strike.
She knows of me being with him.
I started to blame both parties, including his family for agreeing.
I lash and lash out of anger, I cannot control myself at all.
I fell sick further and was suspended by the specialist from KTPH from going to work for a month.

I fall into depression and I lost a lot of weight.
I almost had no meat left in my body. I lost power and I cannot walk more than the distance from one end to another of my previous house.
I fainted a couple of times.
Food won't go through my throat to my stomach.
I cannot eat as I would just vomit it out back.
I abandoned my medications and I cried everyday.
I didn't open my mouth to talk to anyone.
I didn't conversate a word.

My best friend didn't know I went through all these coz I fought with him for my ex.
I regretted that decision and I cried so much just looking for him.
I begged him to come back and meet me.
He didn't respond to me for a week.

I got back to work and the students came in running to class just to hug me and just to say,
"Teacher.. Why are you so skinny?"
My fellow teacher said, "Your pants are falling off dear!"
I was pale and lifeless.

After all that, my kids gave me remedy and build me back in shape.
Though we were not given much time to spend with each other, I left with a healthier me.
Up till now, I am still unwell.
I still have the depression genes with me.
And that's what I am going through right now.
I can hear thoughts and read other's actions towards me.
Just because of a made up story, my image has been tarnished.
People decipher my words wrongly and there comes falsity.

I cannot gain weight no matter how much I tried.
It kept going downwards.

And after all that, I came to think..
Why was Shikin (the 3rd party) all so quiet and didn't retaliate to me?
Was it because she had people guarding her and do the dirty work for her?

Now that I think of it..
She didn't.
She just had people to live for, to impress, to put an impact on.
She had her reasons to smile and she had her conscience clear.
Maybe she wasn't wrong at all and that she didn't reciprocate my ex's feelings for her because she knew I was with him back then.
Maybe she knows all that that's why, she kept quiet, backed away, silenced herself and just pray.
Maybe she did all that and things came to a point, she broke up with my ex when she found the answers.
Maybe.. Just maybe..

I have these ideas just because,
I myself am doing those right now.
I wasn't wrong. My words got deciphered wrong.
But I am still smiling though my depression is really having fun inside me now.
I have my reasons to live, my reasons to smile.
I have the people to put impact on and the many friends who always stood beside me fighting everything together.
They know how many times I can turn psychotic and how one thing can transform me into a big bitch with mouth that holds no insurance.

Even the people I'm nice to, backstabs me.
If I haven't had any problem with you, and you still dislike me, just tell me. Please?
I can't change people's feelings towards myself, can I?

I am not bothered to destroy anyone's relationships because I went through a series of blockbuster drama back then before with my ex boyfriend.
I still carry the hurt now and that's why I am so hard hearted.

Before, when Shahrin decided to be with me..
I asked him,"Are you sure? I am ill. I don't have a pure heart. I am difficult to handle and I am not nice most of the time."

He said,"I know. And I'm going to take care of you. I know somewhere deep inside, you have the heart of gold."

I still don't believe that part but he still does..

Love can really bring a lot of dramas to your life.
Reality is what you make.
Love can kill you or aid you.
It's just how the 2 parties work together.

Alhamdullillah..
I have a partner who works really well with me.
Alongside my best friends who stayed with me and cheered me on and jump into battle when I can't handle it.

I love all of you.


And after I came out stronger than ever, the ex boyfriend met me and was impressed with how I managed myself. 
He said,"Don't deny that you're a strong lady. I am sorry for all those horrible things I did to you before. It's up to you to forgive me or not but I am happy now, to see you happy."