I am a very insecure person when the time comes.

I had a talk with Dawn, the trainer, about my life back then.
There's always these certain stories that will make their jaws drop and roll.
I don't see it literally though, it's just an expression.

It's not about only one family member being a wrecked.
I was treated like I was picked up by the garbage area or that my real parents dropped me in front of the house of Razali & Rosnah.
I wasn't welcomed. For many years, until I met Shahrin.

At least, for awhile it all felt better.
I never felt lonely but I get really clingy sometimes and he knows that.

But what do you know...
It's lonelier now.

P.S My scars are not shown, doesn't mean I don't have any. I'm not talking about scars emotionally. I'm talking about the scars that stays ON your body throughout your life. I guess you'd get an idea on how I was treated.

I tried many times killing myself, running away and all that sheez.
My only friend and the only One I can talk to is only Allah.
Only Him.
Until now.

He granted me strength to go through those days with dignity and not to falter.
Alhamdullillah, I never traded my dignity for a better life.
I believe in Him. I have faith.
But it hurts so much sometimes.
He too grant me this little voice inside me to stop me from doing anything stupid.
N that voice stays with me until now. This very second I'm typing this.

I even thought, am I born to be alone?
When I have faith in Him that I'm not.

But Dawn gave me something nobody else has ever given me.
She gave me a piece of advice to look forward to something that I may least expect in future.
As far as I can paraphrase it...
"Siti, I believe Allah gave you this kind of life for a reason. He might just be training you for a mission you have to get through in future. Who knows that someone else needs that strength of yours for their life? Who knows you're bound to be the strength or pillar for other people? I believe this is a blessing, not a curse. Now then I know, you're this strong."

I laugh at my pasts but sometimes, it haunts me back.
During times when I'm the most vulnerable.
Whenever I'm left alone.

N my husband still don't understand that.