Pardon me for any grammatical or spelling errors. Look at the time already.

Time check, 12.45am, Thursday, January 28^th 2016.

In my whole life, I didn’t think this would happen to me.

I thought things were already rough enough, I just had this much to go through before things actually get better.

On the 27^th of December, I did a test at home on my own to find out I was pregnant. I was excited but it faded soon after to become some confused feelings.

I went into my sister’s room to ask if it showed positive and she confirmed it. She smiled, happy but she was worried if I’m actually looking forward to it. Her expression says it all.

I went into my room to show it to my husband and he was esctatic. He was so happy that he hugged me tight and was so excited.

Soon after, my brother got to know about this.

We went to the clinic, Raffles Medical, the day after to confirm. It was confirmed by the doctor that I was pregnant at about 7 weeks nearing to 8. Got an MC to cover for that day and I told my manager and colleagues about it. To me, they have to know as to standby to what’s going to come next. With me having morning sickness, coming in work later than usual and all other stuffs that might take place.

Weeks went by and I was always looking forward to see the baby bump. Excited. I asked my husband almost everyday if I looked pregnant already.

He was delighted everytime I asked him that question and he’ll softly reply me with,

”Not yet baby.. But soon, we’ll see it. Can’t wait eh?”

Every night before we doze off to dreamland, he’ll kiss my stomach, and recite the same prayers. He’ll talk to the baby silently, where I can’t hear whatever he said, which eventually he’ll tell me what he said.

I remembered I was constantly having very mild cramps because my uterus was expanding fast to allow the baby’s growth,  he said,

”Hello my baby.. I hope you’re doing okay in there. Don’t let Mummy worry and be good. I’ll see you soon.”

His words were somewhere along that line then he’ll end his ‘speech’ with a kiss.

He’ll always say, 'See you soon..' before his kisses to my stomach. He was so excited to become a father.

Since we got married, he’s been talking about having children and we’ll pray together to Allah to grant us that wish.

Weeks went by more and I suddenly just told my husband to have us visit the gynae for the first check up.

We were so excited! 15^th January, Friday, we went to Thomson’s Medical at Sembawang. Reccomended by my both sisters to visit the gynae there.

First sister gave birth to 3 boys and the second gave birth to 1 boy. Basically, I trust their judgment on the gynae.

By then, it should be about almost 10 weeks of pregnancy.

Reached, register and waited for our number. Which took a long time since there’s a lot of patients waiting for their turn as well. But it was all good. I kept my mood well.

Finally, it was our turn for the checks.

Went in and the gynae told us what to expect, what to avoid and all the other tips that we needed.

He had me to lie down for an ultra sound and we saw the baby!

I was delighted and husband kept slouching over to see because the area is quite, cramped?

The gynae kept moving the scanner around my womb area and was curious. He seemed to be looking for something that’s not there.

The baby’s heartbeat.

Upon completing the ultrasound, he derived to the fact that I was only 5 weeks pregnant, to assume that it’s a healthy pregnancy, since there wasn’t any heartbeat.

He knew my last period was on the 6^th November but since my period is irregular though I have monthly, it was very possible that it’s only 5 weeks and it’s confirmed that I was really pregnant.

Done with everything, got my folic acid, made payment and we made our way home.

So, it was smaller than expected and when we thought about it, it was possible.

Because back on 14^th December, I checked and received a negative result for being pregnant.

We were told to return 10 days after to check again as by that time, the baby’s heartbeat should already be present.

I went to work for awhile to meet my colleagues then made my way home.

Ate my vitamins (plus folic acid) and everything else was just a routine at home.

That night, I suddenly had brown discharge. Very faint brown. I was going to get ready for prayers but since I had that, I kinda get confused and clarified with my sister and mom.

I woke up the next day to more discharge, with a thin long clot and I went on to read about it. Luckily, it’s common and I was told it was old blood.

I had irregular periods and the durations were never the same every month. Sometimes 7 days, sometimes 10 or even 5. So I made a point to just wait 10 days all the time.

Sunday came and we went over to my sister’s house to hang around. That’s what I always do when I get bored at home. Hahahah!

That night itself, I went to the loo to find out some bleeding.

Very faint red and watery. With minimal amount of brown clots.

I got very worried and consulted my mom about it and she told me not to think and stress about it coz it might get worse.

I was thinking, how am I supposed to not think about it?

My husband was out working and he came by my sister’s house to fetch me. He got off work earlier coz I called him up to fetch me.

He came and I told him what happened. He calmed me down and we made our way home.

In the car, I bawled my eyes out. In worry, I kept crying saying how much I wanna keep my baby and how much I’m worried.

After all those, I begged him to let me stay home the next day and not report to work because I don’t want to. I don’t feel I’ll be stable enough coz my worry got the better of me.

He informed my manager about it and I got the day’s off.

I didn’t report to work on the 18^th and came in at half day on the 19^th Jan.

Then, I met my sister to tell her about my concerns and she asked me if I could get the day’s off on the 20^th so that she could bring me to the gynae to check again. I started to bleed and I already started to wear the pad eventhough it wasn’t much. Just in case.

I didn’t walk into the gynae’s clinic previously because we were out of cash.

My husband have the car for his job and it was our source of income. Things didn’t go well these few months and we were at the brink of having no food at home and most of the expenses were reliant on my average income I get from work.

My pregnancy was rather planned but things to go down financially, wasn’t. It just popped.

Got the day’s off, went to the clinic with my sister and husband and went for my ultrasound.

Again, there wasn’t any heartbeat. My next appointment was due to be on the 28^th and 20^th is 8 days early.

Gynae derived it to be 6 weeks 4 days of pregnancy.

During the scan, it was clear that the baby was still growing.

In comparison from the previous scan, the baby was bigger and it was clear to me the baby is still growing.

I told him about my bleeding and cramps and prescribed me with a medicine to halt the bleeding and cramps.

He said,

”Eat 2 tabs when you get home, and 2 tabs before you go to bed. If by tonight the bleeding gets more, call me. We’ll have to do washing tomorrow. But as a gynae, I assume it to be a healthy pregnancy. I’ll give you 7 days of hospitalisation leave to be under observation and you have to rest at home.”

Done, went to the counter and the receptionist reminded me again of the prescribed medicine and that I need a lot of bedrest.

Made payment and we made our way back to my sister’s house.

Had my lunch there, ate medicine and husband went off to work again.

I eventually fell asleep inside my younger sister’s room. I woke up to feeling a lot better and the cramps were a lot milder and the bleeding doesn’t worsen!

Husband fetched me home and I told him the good news.

Before bed, I consumed another 2 tabs, as per instructed.

My husband had some tests he had to attend to at work so I was left alone at home in the morning.

I woke up at about 8 to see him off then went back to sleep.

By then, the cramps were so minimal and the bleeding had almost stopped.

I was so grateful for the medicine.

Somewhere about 10am, I woke up to my husband’s call.

I didn’t answer his call coz I was too sleepy. The medicine kinda made me drowsy more than usual.

Nevertheless, he reached home at about 11am to convey the good news on his tests.

He went on to do some house chores while I rest.

But by then, my cramps gradually got more.

I was curious. I thought, maybe it’s just another process.

I went to the loo to check and it wasn’t so much.

As the pain grew more, I feel the leak of blood getting more and more.

My legs got weaker, my backbone hurts more than ever.

I kept calling for my husband for almost every 10 minutes.

He kept running from the kitchen to our room.

Days back, I was already afraid of going to the loo alone because the bleeding worried me.

He’ll usually calm me down and kept telling me, 

“The baby is okay. You’re just passing out your old blood. Calm down, my dear.”

Then everything will feel much better.

But that day, 21^st January, the pain was different.

I can’t walk. He had to carry me to and fro to the loo.

Over and over again.

He massaged my back, my stomach and my legs all the time.

The pain comes and goes.

He told me he wanted to change the bedsheet of our bed so I shifted, while in pain, to another room (Guestroom where my parents always sleep in) and lied down on the bed.

I still called him at almost every 10 minutes and each time, the pain was more and stayed longer.

He looked for me at our room to find out I was at the guestroom.

I started to cry. Then stopped. Then cry again to stop soon after.

I told him to call the gynae since the bleeding was more but it was already 1pm. The clinic should be closed and the gynae not around.

He got on the phone with the receptionist and this was what I heard him say,

“Hi, is Dr Ang in? I need to speak to him urgently. My wife is bleeding more….. *pauses since the receptionist was talking* we were told to call him when the bleeding got more. My wife is bleeding a lot…. *pauses again* 6xxx xxxx call this doctor? Okay thanks.” 

And he hanged up.

I got the number when he was saying it out loud and he called, only to be redirected to an answering machine and nobody answered.

I can see the look on my husband turned extremely desperate and he was blowing his top off.

I told him to try calling Banyan clinic nearby but it was closed as well.

It was near 2pm. I was putting in so much effort to hold off the pain until one time, I can’t anymore.

I started pulling my husband’s arms. Gripping his hands and I can feel my life was at the brim. I felt like I was dying. I screamed so loud, it echoed throughout the whole house. My husband was there all the way and he kept reciting prayers with me and patiently encouraging me to recite them with him.

I was in so much pain, my legs were folded up and without me realizing, my body just had to push. It was as if I was in labour, I was pushing out blood.

But while I was reciting the prayers over and over again, I felt a blob came out and the pain slowly faded.

My backbone still hurt and I was crying a lot more this time. I didn’t took concern about the blob, I thought it was just another clot and blood. I was in so much pain, my husband turned more desperate and called for the ambulance.

He got changed and minutes later, the paramedics came to lift me up my bed.

I cannot move myself, I cannot feel my body. Everything felt numb.

They lifted me up, put on the stretcher and down to the ambulance.

They asked me a few questions along the way and the cramps came gradually, on and off.

The paramedics gave me words of assurance as I kept looking for my husband.

My husband was the passenger seat at the front and minutes later, I was at KK hospital.

Got into the emergency room, I saw a few other patients there as well. There wasn’t any extra bed for me so they got one temporary bed for me.

As I laid there in silence, amidst in all my thoughts, I felt an overflowing sadness seeping into me.

One of the nurse came to me to check my panties.

I managed to just opened abit of it coz I couldn’t possibly move my hips at all.

She confirmed it with the rest to be minimal bleeding. I told her that it might spread throughout my whole pad but she told me that she could only confirmed what she saw. I understood and just continued resting.

After a short time of waiting, two nurses came to me and asked if I can move to the wheel chair. I said maybe and so I tried. They assisted me.

By the time I stood up beside the bed, I felt a gust of liquid flowing out down there and the cramps got more. I gripped one of the nurses hand and just froze there. They patiently assisted me to the wheelchair and made sure I was sitted properly.

They brought me into the doctor’s room and she asked me a few questions before the nurse told me to take out my pants and all. Except for my t-shirt, of course.

I sat down on the examining bed to take everything off when afterwhich, I saw my pad to be full of blood and a blob of meat laying there. Right in front of my eyes. It was almost as big as my fist.

I sat down there, frozen in shock.

I knew, that was my baby, dead in front of me.

I saw everything, every part of it and I looked up to the nurse.

The nurse saw my reaction and calmed me down and had me lay down.

They removed everything and the doctored put in some scanning device into my (you know) to check.

She then told me,

”So everything is out, you can see from the screen, it’s all clear in your uterus.”

Blood was still flowing out and the nurse cleaned me up.

I tried to stay as cool as possible and back on the wheelchair.

Doctor confirmed it to be a miscarriage.

Called my husband into to the room for some decisions to be made and my back was still in pain.

That day, I cried the most.

My elder brother came first to visit me.

The first he said when he saw me was,

”Kesian budak ni..” while running his fingers through my hair.

He gave me words of encouragement and assurance that everything happens for a reason.

Then, my siblings and my parents came.

My girlfriends found out and they came over.

Thanks Zati and Huda.

It wasnt a joyous occasion but their presence distract me for awhile there.

That night, I cried so much.

Many nights after, I still cry. I still cry now when I think about it.

My in laws came over the next day but I still cry in the room with my husband.

I kept asking my husband where my baby went and why he left me.

I kept blaming myself for not taking care of myself throughout the pregnancy.

I kept blaming myself for everything.

My cousin came to fill me in with stories that I will laugh to.

She felt the lost, I know that.

All these while, my husband has been putting up a strong front, for me.

To be my pillar of strength for me to lean on.

But one night, he broke down in front of me because he can’t bear looking at me going through all these pain and he was devastated as well because he fell in love with the baby, reciting ‘see you soon’ everynight before he went to bed.

Just now, he told me, 

“I miss you being pregnant. But we’ll try again soon once we’re all stable and you’ve fully recovered.”

I felt the emptiness inside my womb. I felt the empty space where my baby used to sit in and grow.

As my body starts to go back to normal, I faced many challenges.

For the better, I told myself.

Allah knows I wasn’t really ready with all the issues I was facing.

Allah borrowed the baby to me and took him back.

I believe, things happen for a reason.

Alhamdullillah, I see things in a different insight now. Slight, but I saw my progress.

I’m seeing progress of my relationship with my husband.

I take this as a test for us to strenghthen our bond as husband and wife.

I miss my baby. I still feel the overwhelming sadness whenever I see my ultrasound scan pictures.

My baby who didn’t have a heartbeat that kept me hoping, there will be.

But before the baby could, he left me.

The baby left both my husband and I.

Sad and depressed, but I can feel the love we have for each other is growing more and more each passing day.

I couldn’t bring myself out to talk much about it but I took all I can, mentally, to write this post. To remind me of the event that happened on that fateful day.

The day my life changed.