Another notice.
This time, I have 2.
However, I'm gonna post about one of it first.
Let me talk about Depression.
Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being.
People with a depressed mood can feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, angry, ashamed or restless. They may lose interest in activities that were once pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, have problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions, experience relationship difficulties and may contemplate, attempt or commit suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, aches, pains, digestive problems or reduced energy may also be present.
Depressed mood is a feature of some psychiatric syndromes such as major depressive disorder, but it may also be a normal reaction, as long as it does not persist long term, to life events such as bereavement, a symptom of some bodily ailments or a side effect of some drugs and medical treatments.
-Depicted from Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_(mood)
I have never opened up about this to anyone.
Why? I find no point in it.
WARNING: This post might contain a lot of rage so please do not continue reading this unless you're sure you won't get offended.
Wikipedia research is not sufficient.
Back to my Poly days, facilitators and lecturers disallowed us to quote from the website itself.
Reason being of it not being 100% reliable.
What did I do then?
I got information from the specialists. To discover whatever's beneath the reckless outlook of a person with Depression.
Not everyone can just walk into their clinic to ask several questions.
So, to clear the air...
I was diagnosed with Depression (on the higher side) a few months back.
They labelled me to be the 'special case'.
I will provide details here but not everything. Sensitive issue.
Basically, only my parents, siblings and 2-3 close friends knew about this.
My husband refuses to tell my mom-in-law because he didn't want her to get worried.
Now, I am opening up the book.
I am already filled with enough rage to sustain and contain everything in but things are getting way out of hand.
I am posting this up to, piss you off.
I don't harbor hate because I let it out. I am not the seeker of illness, I just happened to receive it.
Of course, I am not a proud receiver!
Throughout my years of living, I had been in a depressed mood once before this.
During that period, I didn't consult anyone to the extend I allowed it to eat me up little by little from the inside.
Honestly, I never really recovered from it.
I believe, it was just a phase and that was just a mood
Until I lost my baby.
You see, it was a tough and trying period at that point of time.
I couldn't bear seeing babies, what more hold them.
I began to hate myself more and more each day every time anyone starts asking me,
"When are you going to have a baby?"
To others, it might just be a question from either people being a nuisance or those who're just gonna make prayers for them to have one soon.
I, on the other hand, took it on a whole different level.
Anyone can tell this to me,
"Mind over body. Do not let emotions control you."
I said those lines to my friends many years back. I did the same for my sister when she was diagnosed too.
Little did I realize, those words will tire one off more.
You're not depressed. Of course. I am not. I am Me. Depressed is a mood.
Depression is a form of a mental illness.
Call me crazy for all you like, I've been told worst, by my inner voice.
Thank Allah I am a lot better now. I managed to control and distract myself and putting aside emotions for matters that needs solving ASAP.
That's what I do for a living.
Fortunately, I still possess the ability to do that.
However, it won't last for long. During the nights, it will haunt me back like a tumor.
For those of you who thinks that I am allowing it, you dumb-nuts should stop communicating with me.
I struggled and fought it but to no avail.
It's a constant battle. Sometimes I win, sometimes I fell.
I went through therapy after therapy. It helps but the cost of it took a steer on me as well.
What do you expect by living in this current age?
A lot of things costs money.
The more people put pity on me, telling me that they'll be there, giving empty promises and so on and so forth, the more I won't move!
STOP TELLING ME THAT I NEED HELP!
I do need help, there's no point being arrogant towards admitting this.
I already know this and for you to keep repeating the same thing to me is like toxic.
Why? Are you thinking that I'm some kind of dumb?
I was in total rage when people talk to me about not having a baby.
You think I cannot get pregnant is it?
Don't you understand that it's not my time yet because I'm not granted with it yet?
It's all up to Allah.
The way some of you put it is as if I never got pregnant before or I can't.
I might be assuming but I derive intentions from the tone of your voices.
I see it through your smiles and smirks, don't you try to detest me.
Get this in your head.
I was pregnant.
The word is WAS. PAST TENSE.
I never got the chance to see my baby to embrace before things took a different turn.
Do you even know what's been happening to me at home since that day?
None of you knew! Only my husband does.
He's so calm with people questioning me like that. He even brought me away from all these before I explode.
How else will you guys know what's been happening in my house?
Behind closed doors, he saw what I did.
I remember vividly how many times I hurt myself, how many times I attempted suicide.
Do you even think that I want to do that? Try being all shivery and your hands just lifted on its own to do the work for you. Oh, you can't? Why? BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE IT!
You have no idea how much I wanted help. I cannot control anything. I took everything with rage. I break things, burn items and a lot of other things.
I refused to go out and threatened anyone that steps into my house.
However, I only allowed family to see me.
When I see my mom, I feel calmer.
Whenever my husband do things for me, I feel loved.
Whenever my sister-in-laws came by, I feel occupied.
I ask you, bunch of FRIENDS, where the hell were you?
All you know is to tell me that I shouldn't think so much.
Talk to me like I'm worthless or that I'm not good enough to live!
I even told you guys politely that those doesn't work at all.
However, it didn't stop there. You went against me to tell me that I'm wrong about that.
Now, I've had it!
Are you me? Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
ARE YOU?!
TRY LOSING YOUR CHILD FIRST THAT YOU COME AND TELL ME!
I trust nobody.
Like my husband mentioned,"It's the personal touch that will help in recovery."
Do not pity me. I don't need it. It's toxic!
Don't you guys understand simple english?
You think I'm incapable so suddenly that I can't do a lot of things?
I cannot even fathom all those times when you guys don't treat me the same anymore!
Why? Because I'm crazy? I'm mentally unstable?
IS THAT IT?!
STOP TREATING ME LIKE I'M YOUR PATIENT AND YOU'RE MY DOCTOR!
COZ YOU'RE NOT!
So, will you be able to entertain someone like this? ^
I know you can't.
But, do you want to?
I damn well know my husband can't.
But he wants to. He willingly wants to.
It's the same with my mother.
She talked to me in a softer tone since that day.
So much softer.
There's a difference.
Her tone is different but her faith towards my capabilities never die out.
She knows I can still do a lot of things that I used to do.
Just because she wants to me to get better, stronger than I ever was.
I am filled with rage. Sometimes emotionless.
I get agitated easily. Especially with people ignoring me and acting as if they're so busy with a lot of things.
I take most offence when people talk to me trying to be superior when they're not.
I do not absorb any excuses.
It takes a lot for me to just get up and walk.
Go to work without fear. Facing my colleagues without grieve.
Completing assignments like a breeze and now, to type out this post, exposing the truth of who I've been all these while.
I haven't been the same person. I am still capable of doing things normally but my heart do not trust.
I still hear voices everyday telling me a lot of things uncalled for.
Thanks to my older sister, she had me to repeat this mantra every time it happens,
"Be kind to yourself."
Sometimes I feel depressed as if the whole world is against me.
Sometimes that feeling is very little, I can ignore it.
No matter how, it won't vanish.
I wasn't tarnish just by the miscarriage.
It started way before that. Since I was a child.
For the friends who thought they knew me and why I am like this now, shut the hell up.
You had no idea and I am not willing to start story-telling about my past.
I am still tormented.
How do you deal with people who has depression?
Treat them as how you've been, only go softer on the tone.
If you're trying to 'help' by doing things for them when you know they can, you're just worsening that person's condition.
I struggled the most with loneliness.
I was always the lonely child in the house who had no trust for anyone.
I befriended anyone but I get influenced by none.
The time when that loneliness changed into happiness, was when I found out I was pregnant.
I lost lonely nights.
I wasn't drowned in my thoughts and switching realities to fantasies.
I spoke to my baby. When everybody was asleep, my baby listened.
But that very day, 21st January, changed everything.
I was ripped off.
Months after, here I am with all the strength I've gathered to tell you this.
I have depression. A form of a mental illness that needs therapy to recover. I am a whole-lot sensitive now than ever. I take offence in a lot of things and I hate it when people treat me as if I need pity.
I hate it when people do things for me when I can do it on my own.
I am paranoid of being around people and always suspecting them to laugh behind my backs every time I turn away.
I am Munawarah. 3rd daughter of Razali and I have achieved so much on my own. I am gifted in my own way and you brats can shove your mouth back into your throat.
I am not handicapped.
I am much more complex to understand now but let me tell you this, get off my back.
If you're treating me as if I'm incapable, think that I'm hallucinating and telling me that Depression doesn't exist, please stay away from me.
I might strangle you as hard as how I used to attempt suicide countless of times before.
You didn't save me. You didn't bleed to save me. You have no idea how painful it is to see your loved ones sacrificing for you. You have no idea how much I hate myself for putting him in that state.
Don't tell me I'm looking back at the past too much. Fact is, things like these still happen every now and then. Only that, it doesn't last as long as before.
Don't tell me I'm posting this up as a pity-asking post.
I am posting this up to piss you off.
