Lies.

I've been lying for far too long.

The minimal to others but I am the biggest liar to myself.

Same old. Whenever the thoughts get really overwhelming in my brain, I'll blog to allow some space to sleep.

What are the words/sentences that you've ever said that was the toughest for you to handle after you said it?

Everyone have their dark past.

I grew to prefer to hide them all in and absorb it to self-destruct.

Who suffers the consequences? Me.

I hope when you read this, your opinion on me don't change.

I have many different sides, just like anyone else. I've burnt many identities and hid some.

I've burnt bridges, severed relationships, destroyed hopes etc.

Just like any of you reading this.

I tend to hide a lot of things because I cannot handle it. I tend to open up but I'll only mention 5% of the whole thing.

Work stress, the weather and my exhaustion is the least of my concerns.

I always prefer to be the bad person. To show others that I'm someone they shouldn't associate with because I can pounce on you anytime. I can find details about you that you've never told me about. 

I prefer to have that identity in front of others.

Please believe me when I say that I'm a bad person. 

"I no longer have a child. :)"

Is the hardest line I had to say. 

That line struck me the hardest and until today, I get no closure. 

I still blame myself and it is my fault. It couldn't been anyone else's. 

It was all me. I should've known better.

I should've stopped smoking!!

I should've not paint the whole house and inhale all the toxic fumes of it for days.

I should've been more prepared financially and emotionally.

Until today, I regretted everything I did. 

I pointed my finger towards my husband. I blamed him for not being able to do more.

I blamed him for giving me tons of responsibilities that was supposed to be his.

I carried the weight of giving us a shelter, food and other necessary things.

I did everything and I had nobody to turn to.

Cigarettes was the only thing that takes my mind off a lot of things. 

It's like an instant remedy before I lose myself and went around to murder him.

Non-smokers around me kept saying it is not an excuse to smoke.

They will say all kind of things that I had other alternatives to make things better but NONE OF THEM tell me what they were!

With my state back then, do you think I was mentally stable enough or even motivated to LOOK FOR OTHER ALTERNATIVES?

So when my baby died, what else was I supposed to do about it other than let him go?

I've been keeping this in for so long and kept lying to myself that everything was okay. That everything was just something to push me further and I didn't do anything wrong.

I absorbed everything and I didn't say anything to anyone about how I believed it happened.

He had to pay for my mistakes. For my lapses. He had to pay it with his life.

I don't expect people to understand my melodramatic behaviour. How it seemed that I am fine and still smiling. People can go on saying that I am putting up an act so people can sympathise with me because I'm trying to put on a strong front?! I hear you loud and clear and guess what? I care! You hurt my feelings. 

There's no point for me to wish ill of you but I will just walk away. I ALWAYS walk away. I am not afraid of that.

I changed since 21st January 2016. 

I turned into someone so different, I cannot even recognise myself. I don't know my views anymore and where did all my hobbies go to?

I used to enjoy playing music, singing (karaoke or during jam sessions), dancing, performing, public speaking, presenting a project, planning an event, PAINTING, design draw etc.

I left everything behind. Since that day, I gave up with my life. I told god, I don't care how my life is gonna be in future but just heal me.

Then He granted me my daughter.

It will seem like I'm an overprotective or a over-reactive mother whenever my daughter falls sick.

You may understand my plight but are you sincere enough?

Must you go back to my choice of her name that caused her to be that sick?!

She's my miracle. WHATEVER BAD happens to her, I am going to JUMP. I will PANIC. I will do everything in my power so that she gets better. Eventhough she prefer her dad more than me, I don't mind. I get jealous of course but it's okay. I know she loves me and she will only look for me when she's unwell. ONLY me. 

The day I had to bring her to the hospital, so many opinions came in and giving me hospital scares.

Honestly, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYNA DO?!

My daughter was super weak and I could barely recognise her, her face changed and you go around telling me those and then tell me to bring her to the hospital if I need to.

Really, again, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYNA DO?

'Prepare' me? For what?! I was already desperate and none of you could do any further. So instead of you telling me those unnecessary things, you might as well either shut up or help me motivate her to get better.

That day, I was so depressed. I wanted to cry so much but I just forced a calm face when talking to the doctors until they said that I looked incredibly calm.

I forced a smile and laugh in front of my daughter so that she don't feel scared. That she knows her mother is around to protect her. I followed her to her every test. I followed her to get her IV Plug eventhough parents were supposed to wait outside but I stood up and insisted until they let me. 

I know my daughter best. She will kick up a fuss if she don't see me.

Yes, I was very afraid and traumatised. I carried everything on my shoulder and I disregarded my own well-being. I prayed to god, told Him to give me her sickness because I know how to handle it. Either that or just heal her because she's innocent and it's suffering for her.

Days after, she got better.

To learn that a few days after her discharge, she got a fever. High fever.

Don't go around telling me that I am over reacting. Don't go around telling me that I don't care much about her. 

You keep your bloody opinions to yourself if you're not helping.

I lost my 1st one. No way I am going to let my daughter suffer. 

People too tell me that what happened was not a big deal. That other people got it worst.

Do you not understand that everyone goes through their obstacles differently?

Let me say this once and for all and I don't wish to repeat this to anyone anymore.

My 1st pregnancy was a bliss. It set tears of happiness to both my husband and I. When we got NOTHING, I got a gift.

The house was EMPTY. There were no furnitures. Only a bed, a closet, fridge, washing machine and stove that was on loan. Was there food? Most of the time, we will starve ourselves until the next day's lunch.

We had to keep everything to a minimal. Travelling expenses and the piled up debts that was not mine but I had to handle.

I had to walk long routes to save money on travelling. 

I painted the whole house in hopes to make it look more appealing. 

We were on our own. Parents not living with us, it's just the both of us.

I was most of the time alone at home. No matter how hungry I was, I kept a tight control over it and only ate once a day.

I could only afford to eat at work because it's only $2 a meal at most.

We had the rice cooker and we could only cook rice. Ya, can buy groceries. Where's the time and energy? I was always exhausted juggling multiple jobs. He and I were barely home, trying to make ends meet. 

The debts was crazy that it drove me crazy to the extent I went ahead to attempt to kill myself.

I lost all hopes.

I heard so many people saying that I could've done this or that or things might have been better if I had done something else.

Newsflash, wake up your bloody idea because it already happened. For what you tell me about that what ifs? Tryna show me you're a saint? Tryna show me that you care?

Shut the fuck up, I would prefer that a lot better.

Like I mentioned above, do you honestly think I was mentally stable and motivated enough to look for alternatives back then?

PERIOD.

I hear people talk then, I hear them now.

I know who lied and who didn't.

I was blocked by people on social media and well congratulations, you've hurt my feelings.

You can go around yapping that you didn't or what nots, don't lie to me.

People stopped associating with me after learning about my character.

But okay, it's your call. I'm just being COMPLETELY honest here.

Yes, your actions hurt my feelings but it's okay, I have lesser people to bother about.

Da, berambus.

Fuck off.