I attempted to publish a post back on 31 May 2019.
But it fell short and I didn't finish what I wanted to write thus, it's in my draft folder and I couldn't continue on that because I have forgotten what I wanted to write about.

These days I have been feeling troubled.
This very longing feeling and I cannot comprehend it much less confront it.
I have no idea what to do to make me feel better but ultimately, I feel really out of place.

With everyone I hanged out with and met, all I talked about are my problems.
More than I talked about my kids.
I don't have anything else filled in my mind to talk about.
So, besides the above mentioned, I will just keep quiet.

Sometimes I just wished I didn't know what I knew.
Sometimes knowing lesser makes you happier.
Sometimes knowing nothing makes you vulnerable.
This is the way of life and today, I am at my lowest point.

I am tired of everything.
Constantly trying to make ends meet everyday.
Managing and juggling my worries and deadlines at the same time.
Trying to at least look cheerful for my kids.
It's tough.
I tend to just escape and played games on my phone everytime I get to sit down at home.
Or, I'll just watch Netflix without a care of the world.
Even when my child was crying, I can shut that out.
I'm a bad parent.
Say it.
It does not help me to find deep within on the reason why I'm behaving in such a manner.
I figured only today that I am very troubled.
With what, I have no idea.

I watched videos and saw photos of my friends posting views that looks serene.
Places where I'd like to be.
Deep inside me, there's someone who longed to have that feeling.
That serene-kinda-feeling.
I have no idea how to even achieve that.

I have been mean for the longest time.
It's my coping mechanism.
Yet, I fail to confront this feeling and I just want to let go and walk away.

Only that this time, I cannot walk away.
No matter how good I am at being independent and leave everything behind.
This time.....

I can't.